Upset mum - crap

[Manks]

So, due to our unscheduled trip back to the UK, I asked my mum to meet us to spend some time together before we leave for NZ. I got a text from her this morning saying "To be honest I don't know. I want to see you but am getting upset just doing this [think she means texting me]. I don't want you getting upset when you should be looking forward to your new venture. [Stepdad] already planning to come to NZ next year. Love you very much"

So now I'm sitting at work all upset anyway! I understand she's upset because her youngest daughter is moving to the other side of the world, but won't she regret it if she doesn't take the chance to meet up with us? Mr Manks suggested that I surprise her and go up to see her, but I was trying to avoid that. I'll be arriving in Heathrow on Saturday morning on a flight from the US and would need to drive up to Manchester to see her and then drive to Devon the following day to meet Mr Manks and his family. Now I'm torn. I've done the drive straight up to Manchester several times for a quick visit but it always leave me exhausted. The more I think about it, the more I think this is how it's going to have to be. But then won't it be just as upsetting for my mum anyway?

How would/did you handle it? And those of you with kids, how would you be feeling?

[Shones]

Oh Manks, How tricky!!
The only practical advice I can think of is asking whoever you're flying with how much a flight up to Manchester would be:- I always used to fly into Manchester from Mexico and the London-Man portion was usually ridiculously cheap as it's tagged onto the International bit.
Hope others come on soon with better advice - hugs anyway

[SueDonim]

I'm not sure of the logistics, but I would make the trip to Manchester if at all possible. She may say not to bother. She may even be angry, but I think she would very much appreciate the visit (in retrospect if nothing else).

It will be a lot harder to make the trip after you move than a drive up from London. Good luck

[noodles3]

That's a tough decision to make and one which I think only you can make as only you know how you feel and what the emotional fall-out might be.

I suppose the only piece of advice that I would be confident to offer at such a difficult time is to not regret it afterwards, what ever you decide.

[sophiedb]

I would still visit her, because it's going to be the last "easy" visit for a fair while - or so I'd guess. She clearly loves you dearly if she's getting upset, and I'm sure she'd regret missing the opportunity if you didn't drop by *hug*

My parents are doing well at not acting too upset (though they've known this was coming for years), but I can see my mum going all quiet and teary every time we go home after dinner with them or pick-up DD after she's spent some time with them. That doesn't mean we're going to stop seeing them between now and whenever we end up leaving though.

Seconding the suggesting of flying to Manc too, though rail isn't a bad option either - even Manc to Devon too, depending on how close to Mr Manks' place you can get off. Pricey sometimes, but not as exhausting as driving.

[Karla]

Although the visit may be difficult, it may be more difficult after you leave having any regret at not seeing each other one last time before moving... I hear you with the stress of seeing parents upset though, I know my mom is trying to put on a brave face to not upset me, but any conversation regarding the move always brings teary eyes which makes me feel guilty and sad for us and them...like you said its upsetting regardless, so some face time will be good for everyone? good luck!

[JandM]

I entirely sympathize with your not wanting to drive to Manchester, then Devon, on your tight schedule.

I STILL get tears in my eyes quite often, when I turn off the Skype link or put down the phone from talking to my son in NZ, which doesn't mean that I don't entirely support his and his wife's decision to go and be there. I drove them to the airport when they left, and came away after dropping them off with lots more tears streaming down my face. (I then turned the car radio on, and got the announcer on Classic FM saying, 'That was Lacrimae, ô lacrimae' (tears, ah, tears) which gave me the giggles as well!)

Tears aren't something to be afraid of. Feelings aren't something to be afraid of, or ashamed of. In fact, the stiff upper lip reaction of trying not to let anyone else know that we have feelings probably hurts a lot worse than admitting that we're human and just letting the natural reaction run its course. Yes, of course if you meet your Mum, you and she will probably cry all over each other, but you'll also be able to express how much you love one another, and I think that outweighs the upset. Maybe you can persuade her that you would rather see her, than not, even if she knows she can't help crying. It's up to you and her to work out whether or not you agree with me, but I wouldn't have missed that last couple of hours' drive with my lad and his dear wife, and the hugs, for anything. I did what I could to help, right up to the last minute, and that helped to carry me through the next years till I could see them again.

If I was to shy away from contact with them, and now the grandchildren, because of knowing it might bring tears, I wouldn't get on the phone or webcam, or face the prospect of a visit to NZ, knowing I had to come away again. What's a few (or a lot of) tears, as a price to pay for the good things, though?

I do hope you can work something out with your mother. I sympathize with her AND with you. (((())))

[JandM]

Oh, and I don't think people have to feel guilty AT ALL, not for one moment, for making the life decisions that seem right to them, just because this includes living at a distance. I raised my children hoping they would be independent people - there's no going back on that when they ARE independent. My feelings, that I miss their physical presence, are mine to deal with, not something to cramp their style.

[Manks]

Thank you all - I knew you would be able to provide me with a good perspective on things. This is my last chance to see her and my family before we move to the other side of the world. There is no way I can pass that up. No matter how hard the journey may be, I know I would regret it at a later date if I didn't put the effort in (as I always do, but that's another matter). I think my mum would regret it too if she really thought about it.

I wish I could rep you all, but I've dished out too much rep to some of you already!

[newarrival]

I second what everyone was saying before- I am an only daughter (not an only child, though), and my mum gets upset, I think, every time we speak on the phone. I cannot say for sure, because I don't see her, but towards the end it sounds very much so.
She is not that happy with us living here, so far away, and since our children are four out of her five grandchildren, it makes it even harder.
But- there are lots of memories, and she saw the kids growing up, so we had very good times together..., and I think those memories are really important. I would also go and visit, she will remember the good times you had and she will remember this last visit, too..., until you are meeting again on the other side of the world!
Just make sure you have a safe trip, Sophie's advice re train sounds quite reasonable to me!