Family refuse to say goodbye

[M-Squared]

I completely agree with joolzr about the piano!

It's their loss, not yours, it really is. And yes, people will visit who swear blind they won't. They're angry. Maybe some may be jealous as well? Just latch onto your MIL and get Skype up and running. I have a weekly Skype chat with my parents and my daughter - their only grandchild - is always the first on. They love it! It's way more contact than we had when I lived in the US for 12 years.

My MIL made me promise that hubby would keep in touch. Such a shame she doesn't bother returning the favour...

[ourquest]

Hey Fiona, that sounds like a very upsetting family dynamic you've got going on there. If only these sort of things happened when we didn't have all the additional complications and stresses of moving countries.

I think one of the things which must hurt most for you is the deep-down realisation that those close to you (and ultimately practically all of us) are really only interested in their own lot in life, and how you are affecting it (negatively in this case, from their point of view). Wouldn't it be great if they actually took the effort to imagine what it must be like to be you and feel the excitement that you feel with your adventure so close! But at the moment they are clearly not able to do this, and until it sinks in for them that you are going (...going...gone!) they might keep up their tantrum. I guess we often learn things too late.

It is just tragic that too many folk use their own unhappiness to inflict guilt on others. It would be far better if they just took away our pianos and left it at that.

[themilkybarkid]

Fiona
How sad, unfair and painful that is for you. A bit of a nightmare scenario -but it's not your fault, and it is not your making.

If one of them had the chance to go to live in the country of their dreams I bet they'd go - and you and others would wish them well. So they should wish you well. You are not being selfish they are. Also with email, skype, facebook, blogs and increased travel they are out of touch with the level, ease, frequency and cost of communication - we are in the 21st century not 1970! You will be able to see each other and speak together via skype daily if you wish at no cost!!

Sadly sometimes people (like your FIL) are neither wise nor mature when handling their emotions and instead of coping with a mix of happiness (for you/your partner) and sadness (for them at losing you/your partner) some people lurch into inappropriate/misplaced anger. It wrong and damaging for you and your partner, but it's also sad for them for being immature/un-evolved.

Don't take them too seriously (if that doesn't sound like a impossible request), don't take their comments made in anger to heart - devote your energy on your journey, your immediate family, the people who are for you and not against you, celebrate and enjoy the adventure and don't allow the bad comments to have a place. It's not your fault and not your problem -it's theirs. But I'd suggest IMHO you don't retaliate in kind, but keep doors open -they may come around and later in life deeply regret what they said/did.

Take care.

[alan999]

Fiona, stay focussed.

Your FIL is suffering loss but he'll be OK, especially with you MIL on your side. I had a strange problem that could have made things more difficult for us. My brother's wife's mum and dad did all they could to undermine our move, really trying to stir things up with everybody.

I later found out that they pulled out at the last minute of emigrating to NZ in the late 60s, and they are a farming family! Forty years of regret were being unleashed on our move!!

Not much to do with your problem, just to show we've all had them!

Alan

[Ngeru]

It is a tough one no matter how they react, because quite frankly I reckon lots of our families feel like this and don't necessarily express it or show their fears and anger. I know my parents were devastated and it crucifies me to think how much I upset them, so please try your best not to leave on a sour note. It wasn't until long after I had left that I realised just how much I had upset my own Mother, because she put a brave face on and never let it show.

Be pleasant and go give them all a hug, it is like a process of bereavement: that whole process of anger, why me, etc before acceptance and moving on can take place. I never thought my family would come here, but they have been twice and I know it's not only me that ends up being a bawling mental wreck, and feeling totally bereft after they have left me here. It's always hardest being the one left behind.

[sophiedb]

*hughughug* and I thought my parents were bad..

I can only second what everyone else has said, and hope that they come round soon. I'm sure they'll realise that things aren't as bad as they think soon xx

[veronica]

I know it sounds the opposite of whats being expressed but its cos they love you that they react that way. they are hurting. Its selfish of them to act in the way they are but thats folks, we are all very far from perfect. The least negative things that you say the better. as that trite old saying goes. "least said soonest mended" (and perhaps that "time heals all wounds" ) seem to be very true.

Keep your chin up as its your life and your decisions keep true to yourself.

[Wooly_Cow]

I know it sounds the opposite of whats being expressed but its cos they love you that they react that way. they are hurting. Its selfish of them to act in the way they are but thats folks, we are all very far from perfect. The least negative things that you say the better. as that trite old saying goes. "least said soonest mended" (and perhaps that "time heals all wounds" ) seem to be very true.

Keep your chin up as its your life and your decisions keep true to yourself.

I agree with Veronica. I suspect they aren't being selfish, and are just upset at the thought of loosing you, and that is manifesting itself in what appear to be selfish acts.

[rupicola]

I'm also with Veronica on this one; it's hard for them to confess they're feeling hurt (it's a lot easier saying you're angry than hurt). Try and do your best to convince them you understand their feelings, they're totally entitled to feeling hurt, sad, lonely and all those negative emotions. But make sure you point out that is not your intention at all: your actions are not aimed at them. Show them your sympathy with their feelings of loss (this is a very difficult and tricky bit), and ask them to be (a bit more) sympathetic in return.

And if that does not work, you just get some more hugs from me (((((()))))

[scarycat]

Hi there

Just wanted to add my support, and sympathise with you, we add the same with my mother 3 years ago when we first tried to move and now it is about to happen - honestly I'm too scared to tell her yet, despite us moving in january!!

Just know that this is your life and that they love you so much they don't want you to change or anything to be different. I know how hard it is, but you just have to keep telling yourself that your immediate family are the ones moving to NZ and that they are the most important right now.

Everyone will come around I know it (keep repeating it might just come true). Take a deep breath and try to forget anything that is hurtful to you - it's just their hurt coming out.

Take care and much love