Unintended Consequences

[sks]

After all the trials and tribulations of securing our PR, now that our departure is edging closer, some of my family members are getting stone-cold feet. My SIL flatly states that she'll refuse to ever speak to my wife again if we make the move, and my eldest daughter and one of my sons flatly refuse to go.

To anyone whose mind is not yet made up about whether relocation to NZ is for them -- be very, very sure before you commit the financial and emotional resources required. The toll can be awfully dear.

[JandM]

Sorry to hear that you are going through some crises in your relationships, and I wish you an outcome you can live with.

Of course, you aren't alone. I expect you've seen the recent thread on this issue, and there have been many others in the past. I'm afraid many people's reaction to change is to want to control things for their own perceived benefit, not to consider how they can accommodate to and be part of the change that their family members or friends are planning. In an ideal world, I suppose none of us would attempt to control others, but in reality, it happens, and it hurts.

So, what next?

[Mamee & Co]

HI sks

It really is a case from family of I'm hurting so I am going to hurt you too! I would say that our inlaws tried. They swore they would never be out to visit, but are arriving at the end of Nov for a 7 week stay.

With your kids I think that you have to persuade them to try it. Accept that it might not be for them, but also ensure that they have access to their old friends while they make their transition to life in NZ. Keep showing them the things that they like over here, the things that they can do that they can't do at home, etc. Hopefully as they make new friends they will choose to want to stay. I think that they feel so much more the things that we feel about leaving friends and family behind as they cannot see the whole picture.

It is a hard enough roller-coaster without all the other stuff that goes with it. (((((hugs)))) heading your way.

[veronica]

buy the kids a return ticket and persaude them to give it at least 6 months, it might be enough. I read on here of so many families where they listen to the kids and let them choose to stay back at home and then within the year they want to be in NZ.

[sophiedb]

*hughug* if they changed their minds once, they can change it again. They'll never know unless they give it a go!

[newarrival]

I guess a lot depends on the age of the children, too?!
Friends of us started the whole PR process because their eldest son (they have five children) wanted to spent a year overseas and they thought they would not be able to make that happen for all five of them financially, but always wanted to live overseas for a while....
When they finanally had everything sorted, which did not even take extremely long, the boy had changed his mind and wanted to stay, he even had the invitation form a friend's mother to live with them. His parents discussed it, but then decided they wanted him to come, and since he was only 16, turning 17 at that time, they told him that he did not have a choice, really.....
He accepted the decision, decided to make the most of it and now pretty much enjoys his new life.
Our eldest son was 15 1/2 whe we finally moved, he was not 100 % sure (our process took quite a while), but there would have been no way we would have left him behind!

[sks]

Sincere thanks to all for the suggestions and good wishes.

We have five children as well, ages 12-22. The eldest will complete uni here in June and then join us; she has until September to enter on her visa, and since she wants to pursue postgraduate studies, the relatively inexpensive opportunities available to her in NZ leave me confident she'll decide to join us -- at least for a while. She's an adult, anyway, and certainly mature enough to decide for herself. I had a job proving dependency for her, however (if she were any older, she couldn't have been included in our application anyway.)

It's our 16-YO son who's the problem, and he's being encouraged in his rebelliousness by my SIL. Most Americans can't seem to believe that anyone would want to leave the US. Then, when the process takes as long as it does, they start believing you weren't serious in the first place. My SIL has known of our plans for nearly two years, but until our visas were issued, she met any related discussion with a roll of the eyes. Frankly, I don't particularly care if she doesn't speak with me again (she's nothing intelligent to say, anyway), but, for the sake of my wife, I'd rather avoid an utter rift if I can.

Unfortunately, our 16-YO son has now developed his first semi-serious relationship with a girl, so he has seized on my SIL's hostility and proposes to stay here with her (the SIL, that is -- not the girl). It's just so much emotional nonsense on top of all of the rest of the stress involved in moving countries. We'll get it sorted somehow.

Thanks again to all.

[JandM]

just so much emotional nonsense

Excuse me if you know this already. Having had a lot to do with teenagers in my working life (and at home in our day), I would say, however much you absolutely KNOW your son is going to grow out of this girl in a month or two, when talking to him, take a respectful attitude as though these feelings are for life. If anyone dismisses any teenage emotions, they are liable to hang on to them (even the ones that would otherwise have withered away) out of sheer orneriness.

Would you be able to get him at least to activate his visa? That would give you some leeway.

[magcats]

I hope the best for you and your family. Family ties are the ones that can cause so much grief...or so much joy. My sil put a guilt trip on me first thing, but I guess she's either accepting it, or she feels it's not happening since we can't seem to sell our house. I do love her, and hope to have her support once things finally begin to proceed.

With my 11 year old daughter, we're promising more gymnastics and other spices of life. We've highlighted so many of the positives of NZ to her.

May your process turn positive!

[ralf-nz]

Our son only spent the three months he was allowed staying in NZ without formal visa here before going back to Europe being 19 at that time.

It is of course a bit hard for all of us due to the distance. However generally we are fine and we enjoy living here as he enjoys living there.

It is "just" that life happens - with its "bads" and with its "goods".