My child is trapped in New Zealand

[Guavagirl]

I know I'm going to come off sounding insensitive and a total b* for this. I think the Hague Convention was right in putting those laws in place. It doesnt favor one parent over the other. It's watching out for your child, providing stability. Perhaps you may feel your daughter is "trapped in New Zealand" but on the other hand, perhaps your ex partner thinks you're trying to abduct the child to UK. And I'm pretty sure if you were to take your daughter back to UK without permission, it is considered abduction.

I'm very sorry for your situation but unless your ex partner is a bad parent, i don't understand why you should more right to take your daughter than he does. Like Ellenann said, parenting involves sacrifice. Do everything you can to settle down in NZ, for the sake of your daughter. Children should always be #1 with their parents.

That's my opinion.

[M-Squared]

I know I'm going to come off sounding insensitive and a total b* for this. I think the Hague Convention was right in putting those laws in place. It doesnt favor one parent over the other. It's watching out for your child, providing stability. Perhaps you may feel your daughter is "trapped in New Zealand" but on the other hand, perhaps your ex partner thinks you're trying to abduct the child to UK. And I'm pretty sure if you were to take your daughter back to UK without permission, it is considered abduction.

I'm very sorry for your situation but unless your ex partner is a bad parent, i don't understand why you should more right to take your daughter than he does. Like Ellenann said, parenting involves sacrifice. Do everything you can to settle down in NZ, for the sake of your daughter. Children should always be #1 with their parents.

That's my opinion.

Well I think you're right. A parent shouldn't have the right to uproot their child from their home without the express consent of their other parent. Everything must be done with the best interests of the child(ren) concerned.

[CarolinaGirl]

Brit - I am sorry that you find yourself in this unfortunate situation. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to feel isolated in that way. I do hope that you can take some of the advice offered on here and find yourself feeling better this time next year.

I have a kiwi relative who ended up divorced from his english wife in NZ. They had two children together. The ex-wife made it very expensive and difficult for him to see the kids. Eventually she moved the children back to the UK and he had minimal contact over the years due to that distance. Now those children are almost adults and he still doesn't have a good relationship with them. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it.

I hope that you can find a good life for yourself in NZ.

[broadsword08]

As the other posters have said it is vital that you try to remain focussed on what is best for the child.

If you believe that you cannot function effectively for the child while in NZ then you should seriously consider leaving.

If you believe that you can find a way of getting through the negativity that you feel for the situation and move forward for yourself and the child then you should stay.

It is really very good to hear that you continue to have a good relationship with your ex-partner.

Historically family courts have sided unfairly with the mother and by and large continue to do so.

That said, NZ is fairly forward thinking in that regard and the judge will be required to consider the matter and justify their decision purely from the perspective of what is best for the child. This unbiased approach should be commended by both parents regardless of sex.

As others have said, focus on you and your own 'self'. The court is not required to consider 'you' as an individual as this very sad situation is not about 'you' anymore. Now that it is before the court... it is all about the child.

Remember that in situations like these one parent usually believes that they have more 'right' to the child than the other parent - ask yourself is this healthy and indeed just.

Talk to lots of people to test and validate your views on this complex matter - it's easy to lose perspective and end up thinking ridiculous stuff.

Above all, put yourself in the shoes of the child and your ex-partner to try and get a real sense of the different positions.

I wish you well in your 'self'.

[Familyofmonkeys]

Historically family courts have sided unfairly with the mother and by and large continue to do so.

That said, NZ is fairly forward thinking in that regard and the judge will be required to consider the matter and justify their decision purely from the perspective of what is best for the child. This unbiased approach should be commended by both parents regardless of sex.

Bear in mind that this is the case because, more often that not, the mother is the primary carer for the child and is usually the person the child forms the strongest attachment bond with when very young. It is not 'generally' in the childs best interest to be separated from the primary carer, unless there is no other alternative. The mothers emotional wellbeing is a consideration here, even if the primary focus is on the child's best interests.

If you 'were' able to take your child back to the UK, what arrangements would you make so that your child was able to have meaningful continued contact with the father? Would you be willing and able to pay for him to visit the UK, so that he is not out of pocket? My SIL has a similar arrangement with her ex, who lives in a different country. Has this even been discussed with the father as an option?

[Charliefarley]

Hi Brit

It's been 3 weeks since the last post on your thread. Just wondering how things are? Do you have friends over here for support? I'm glad you found this site, but don't become lonely. Thinking of you.

Charlie

[Brit]

Thanks for all the useful comments.

I am still stressed out about it all, but trying to stop and focus on "self" and positivity. It's really hard because my ex has been really horrible lately and making my life hell (threats that I'm going to loose custody, telling me he wishes I was dead etc) I call it psycological abuse, because it has become almost relentless and it's so uneccesary because throughout I have been really polite and accomodating, I couldn't force myself to smile throughout more! He was always very difficult and controlling when we were together, but I thought that would stop once we split up.

I actually became ill over Xmas and spent some time in hospital which was really difficult with not having any family around, I cried quite a bit about that.

I have been focussing on doing some fun things with my daughter while we're in the limbo state. Whatever happens I won't leave her as she needs me.

Incidentally, I got a report back from the courts (sort of an interim stage) about my daughters attachment with myself and my ex and how she was affected etc. It was quite damning upon me and much more in favour of my ex. I was really surprised as I thought it was obvious that me and my little one have a great bond and I'm just more rounded and mature than my ex (who behaves likes a stoned teenager much of the time).

I have thought "Right, if we are to stay here i have to make our life the best" so I am hoping to return to Uni and do some study here in NZ. I was very disappointed with my job prospects here, so I am looking to re-train. The only thing is there are only 2 Unis in NZ that run the course that want to do, One in Auck and the other in Otago. I live in Wellington. I really want to study, but i'm really scared that the courts will stay that my daughter will have to remain in Wellington and I have to bugger off and come back to wellington once I'm done. I really want my daughter to move with me while I study. We can always return to Wellington after a few years because I'll be able to get a great job. I know my ex isn't in favour of this he doesn't cope well with changes or decision making (like I say, he's stuborn and difficult). His father even told me that if I choose to study then i should leave my daughter here in Wellington. However I feel that overall, it is a fair compromise. I mean the ex can relocate for a few years too, there's no reason why he couldn't get a job up in Auckland etc, so that our daughter will still see him. Besides, I'll be needing the help! Our daughter will be school age by the time I go to study so that will be the best fit all things considered.

[cantwait]

Hi Brit...You could spend a lifetime trying to "prove" why you are a better parent, but it sounds like the courts here are the same as in the U.S. -- it's 98-99% what the child wants, regardless of the "fitness" of the parent. Have seen some ridiculous situations (like where Dad or Mom are essentially criminal), but the court / judge believes that if the child feels "safe" there & selects one or the other parent, ...regardless of the behavior of that parent, the Child gets to vote. The good news about that is that if you stay,...and stay with a great attitude and are a fun, loving person to be around, then it may not take to the age of 16 for your child to choose to be with you & (if laws here allow it) you could go back for review and get custody.

I can't imagine your situation & don't pretend to have any good or right answers....but am sending my empathy that you find your home (in your head). I agree with those who have suggested moving to a different town -- particularly due to the controlling nature or your Ex. I suspect you've lost your independence and some self esteem being with someone like that....and getting some space and a chance to do your own thing will help BOTH you and your child. It's about being a role model too. Auckland vs. Wellington could feel like a whole different country!!! and you are still only a few hours drive or short flight away. Get an Air NZ points credit card and you'll rack up free flights to & fro.

Best of luck and I hope you get back to a smiling, relaxed, strong-willed, independent, loving and supportive frame of mind soon.

[Brit]

Annoyingly, my daughters father is objecting to my proposal to study in New Zealand as it would mean a relocation out of Wellington. He says if i want to study then I have to go on my own and leave my daughter in Wellington with him full time! I am not prepared to leave her. I don't understand why he so fixated on Wellington as he doens't have any family here and he can work anywhere else in New Zealand. I think he's just being mean!

I look back and wish we had stayed in Britain when our daughter was born, we wouldn't of had any of this trouble and my ex would have been the one who had to make the choice to return to NZ or stay in the UK.

Sorry to sound bitter folks but surely I deserve the right to make something of my life and be happy in myself for my daughter, right? It's time's like this when I feel like Wellington is my prison.

I think it would be jolly unfair of a court to deny my request to study and be a proper mum to my daughter (having her move with me too). She still needs me. I'm willing to wait until she's older but Studying is something I want to do.

Am I being a selfish whinging pom?

[cappuccino]

Annoyingly, my daughters father is objecting to my proposal to study in New Zealand as it would mean a relocation out of Wellington. He says if i want to study then I have to go on my own and leave my daughter in Wellington with him full time! I am not prepared to leave her. I don't understand why he so fixated on Wellington as he doens't have any family here and he can work anywhere else in New Zealand. I think he's just being mean!

I look back and wish we had stayed in Britain when our daughter was born, we wouldn't of had any of this trouble and my ex would have been the one who had to make the choice to return to NZ or stay in the UK.

Sorry to sound bitter folks but surely I deserve the right to make something of my life and be happy in myself for my daughter, right? It's time's like this when I feel like Wellington is my prison.

I think it would be jolly unfair of a court to deny my request to study and be a proper mum to my daughter (having her move with me too). She still needs me. I'm willing to wait until she's older but Studying is something I want to do.

Am I being a selfish whinging pom?

Can't you study in Wellington or extra-murally (distance)?