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Thread: My child is trapped in New Zealand

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
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    UK
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    Unhappy My child is trapped in New Zealand

    I am in a heart breaking situation and i wondered if anyone else had been in a similar one. If so they I would love to hear from you, or any other thoughts.

    I am British and my daughter was born in England in 2007, her father is a kiwi and he was on a working holiday over in London. The relationship was never really ideal, but we decided it was a great idea to move to New Zealand to give our daughter a great childhood etc, so that's wehat we did when she was 7 months old.

    Unfortunately New Zealand and I never really gelled, and I really have tried hard. I was disappointed with my job prospects over here mainly having enjoyed a great and lucrative career over in the UK, and missed the family support that I had at home in England. Unfortunately my relationship with my ex-partner dissolved for various reasons. When did finally separate we had been living in New Zealand for 2 years. We never married or anything.

    I had been thinking for quite some time about returning home to England, but my ex-partner refused to allow our daughter to come back with me. I then appplied to the NZ courts to allow myself and our daughter to return to England. This was back in January and I have been on an emotional and isolating journey ever since. Unfortunately the law in New Zealand is not on my side and I am feeling very much the foreigner over here. I really wish I had known the risks before I came over here. It seems that New Zealand are very reluctant to allow a child to relocate out of New Zealand once they have been resident here. I have provided my lawyer with so many examples of reasons for us relocating back to the UK such as finances, family, friends, house, my parents being ill, but nothing is taken into account with any of this and I am so shocked by it!

    I have never tried to do a "runner" or anything like that (I've read other scary stories about people who have tried it!) and am friendly and supportive of my ex and his relationship with our daughter. It's a such as sad situation, especailly for our daughter but I feel that I can't face living in New Zealand until she turns 16. So I'm faced with the likelihood that my daughter is trapped in New Zealand and therefore so am I. I am desprately miserable here, but what can I do? I could leave anyway without my daughter, and from speaking to my lawyer the courts here would happily take that situation and keep my daughter here in NZ.

    Hopefully we will get to a court hearing in January, which is a year since I applied to the courts. Feeling very lost. Would love some opinions.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Christchurch
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    Wow--that is very heartbreaking to be stuck in your situation though I completely understand the court taking that position.
    It seems to me that most of this is completely out of your control. The only thing I can see that you do control is your own attitude. You can stop being miserable.
    New Zealand may not be where you want to be but it is where you are so make the best of it. You know--if you can't be with the one you love (England), love the one you are with (NZ). Or you will be continue to be miserable and likely affect your daughter's happiness as well.
    Personally, I would just forget the idea of leaving and make the best of living here. Find the best job you can. Find the best house you can. Focus on improving your life here so you don't pine for the life over there.
    Once you make up your mind that you are going to make this work, I think you will be surprised at how much better it WILL work. And you can go about having a happy life with your daughter--who only really cares about having a happy Mum at this stage.
    And it is so awesome if you can have a positive relationship with the father. Some men don't care about their children or stay involved so your daughter is really lucky to have him. I would really encourage them both to build a solid relationship. Having a father is something she has here (that she won't in England) so I can agree with the courts that this counts a lot.

    Good luck to you!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Waikato
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    I think this is every parent who moves with to NZ with their children and Kiwi partner's silent nightmare. I'm so sorry it's come to this.

    The only advice I can give you right now is to do nothing sudden. Please don't leave your daughter here in NZ before that court date. Homesickness is terrible but you'll get back to Blighty and it will immediately disappear, whereas you may have terrible heart sickness for a very long time if you leave her here and it may be hard to remember how desperate you felt in NZ. So for your own sanity try to make the best of being here (I know that's hard) and postpone any longer term decisions until you've been through and exhausted the legal procedures.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Canada/NZ
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    All i can offer is some personal experience, it involved different countries but similiar situation to yours. How sure is your ex he wants to take over full time care and raising of your daughter withoutyou? I called my ex's bluff, we moved to separate countries for three months and that is all it took for his new girlfriend and my ex to realize they didn't want to parent. I returned, got full custody and the right to move to and live in any country I wanted. If you have to stay in country as a co-parent it makes it very convenient for the ex, if he is just using you for childcare. I don't mean to sound harsh, I think two parents are better than one, but sometimes the true nature of one of the parents is only revealed when presented with a situation that is not so convenient for them (and if there is a new gf or wife involved even more so!).

    If your ex is truly a devoted dad and would parent on without your help (and you nor he may know the answer to that until tested) then you have to make some compromises so your daughter can grow up enjoying relationships with both of you. Perhaps finding another area to live in nz where you can feel its your choice and a home you make for yourselves.

  5. #5
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    Aug 2004
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    if your daughter was born in the uk then she should have a british passport, being the mum and I am assuming the primary carer and never having been married why do you need it to go to the courts?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by veronica View Post
    if your daughter was born in the uk then she should have a british passport, being the mum and I am assuming the primary carer and never having been married why do you need it to go to the courts?

    Hague Convention

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Beachlands NZ
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    Oh you poor thing, what an absolute dilema for you. As a Mum of 3 I completely understand that you can't leave your daughter so your options are really limited. I have a friend who called her partners bluff 10 years ago, and she is now so sad that she did as he stepped up to the plate and now she has a very difficult relationship with the children.

    I think that Grumpy Goat really says it all. You have a beautiful daughter, you are truly lucky to have a child who has a Dad who wants to be involved in their life. So stop, take a look around at all the good things you have and try to move forward being positive. I know that it is harder than it sounds, but the long weekend is coming up, do something special and try to create an environment that you daughter can thrive in - it may not be all you want but try. I really feel for you.

  8. #8
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    christchurch (formerly essex)
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    thanks Grumpy Goat,

  9. #9
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    Sep 2010
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    UK
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    Quote Originally Posted by veronica View Post
    if your daughter was born in the uk then she should have a british passport, being the mum and I am assuming the primary carer and never having been married why do you need it to go to the courts?
    Yes, my daughter has both passports, UK & NZ (I applied for both for her, although with hindsight perhaps I should have only got the UK one). However with child relocation from New Zealand even if she did have only the UK passport it wouldn't make any difference. Also if my ex-partner was also British, again it woulnd't make any difference and the process is still the same.

  10. #10
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    Sep 2010
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    UK
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    I have often wondered if my ex- would step up to the plate of caring for our daughter full time. To be honest, he's not been very capable of looking after himself or us since we have been in New Zealand (one of the reason's why we sparated) However he says he is willing and a "willing" father is something that can't be ignored. It'd be a huge risk. I could potentially be looked upon as a child abandoner!

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