My son was strangled at school today

[GrumpyGoat]

I have started this post over several times. I am very upset.

Bottom line--my son was assaulted at school today and I didn't even get a stinking phone call!

I am pretty well "over" this school anyway. I have had repeated discussions regarding academics. I have found one of the administration staff to be exceptionally rude and vindictive towards me (that is another story).

But I am just absolutely LIVID at the moment! Not challenging my son academically is one thing but not keeping him safe is another.

Before I go postal on the school, I would like the varied opinions of my fellow forumites.

How would you feel in this situation? What would you do next?


Here is the transcript of what my son said to me today after school:


DS: At morning tea time, we (S., L., K. and C.) were going to play a game with a ball. A. wanted to have the ball. He started fighting us.

He was punching and kicking us. We went into the playground to get away from him. He followed us. He threw a ball hard right into S.'s face. S. punched him in the face and threw him down.

I was looking around for A. and he came up behind me and pushed me into the wall and strangled me. I couldn't breathe. He wanted to know what K. said but I couldn't say anything and he kept strangling me. But K. didn't say anything anyway. H. came to help us. I climbed up the spiderweb with H. Ali came up behind the spiderweb and pushed us off. Then the bell rang and we went back to class. We told him that we didn't like what he was doing. He said he was going to tell on us but we didn't do anything to him.

Me: Where were the on-duty teachers?

DS: Teachers were on duty in the field (not in the playground where it happened--not teachers there) but didn't do anything. We told on him three times but he still kept doing it.

Me: Did you tell your teacher, Miss W.?

DS: We told Miss W after morning tea and she made S and A sit on the step for 3 minutes during lunch time. There was no referral.

Me: Did you tell the teacher that he put his hands around your neck and tried to strangle you?

DS: Yes. She said that "we don't hurt other kids but if you hurt other kids they might hurt you back" (to A.).

Me: What did she say to you?

DS: Nothing. "We don't fight at this school"

Me: Did she say "sorry you got hurt, C." or "do you need to go to the nurse" or "we should call your mom"?

DS: No. No. No.


I have gone as parent help on a field trip and have observed this belligerent child A. and his behavior. He was constantly misbehaving, was repeatedly redirected for the same behavior by both teachers and parent help. He was rude and belligerent with other children and adults. I am not the least bit surprised that he has assaulted these other kids.

Any comments?

[wilson182]

I would certainly start a "complaint process". I would begin by speaking to the principal, and if not satisfied would probably write to the school and the Board of Trustees.

[GrumpyGoat]

I have spoken with Ministry of Education and now know that there are National Administrative Guidelines. Number 5 is "duty to provide healthy and safe environment" so (per their advice) will be drafting a letter of complaint to the Board of Trustees.

MoE was super helpful. She gave me lots of tips about framing my complaints.

I think the letter is going to be a VERY long one!

[Kanga]

What a horrible thing to have happened GG and really upsetting for you to hear about. I do wonder about the wisdom and fairness of going straight to the MoE and opening your school discussion with a letter to the board though. However, I don't know how many awful experiences you've had with the school so far and I do know how frustrating it is as a parent to feel cut out the loop. Schools are astoundingly good at cutting parents out the loop, imo.

[Tia Maria]

Probably a good idea to talk to the Head Teacher first, as even if they are hard to deal with at least you can say you tried, if you have to take things further. Plus you can establish who knew what and what their thoughts on the matter are.

I'd also talk to your son and ask how he'd like you to represent him just in case he has any concerns about reprisals from students.

If you know any of the parents of the other children involved then a talk to them would also be good, but at this stage I would just use it as an information gathering exercise mainly to find out how the parent of the boy in question are likely to react. Some parents are horrified when their children act this way and can be part of the solution in stopping him doing it again. Some, unfortunately, are very much part of the problem.

It's an incredibly scary thing to have someone put their hands around your throat, it wouldn't be acceptable in the workplace, home, public place so it in no way should be acceptable in school.

I hope your son is OK.

Cheers

Tia

[GrumpyGoat]

OH just told me that my word choice was poor. "strangled" means death he said.

Sorry--should have read "choked" as DS survived the attack.

My problems have been ongoing with the school. But generally about academics. A few ongoing (always unaddressed) complaints about bullying with both children. Overall malaise from administration and one outright hostile admin (of course, she is the one I am supposed to deal with).

The plan at this point is to begin a formal complaint. I will be having a conference with the principal tomorrow. I will be writing a letter to the Board of Trustees as well to make sure this process is taken seriously.
I will be expecting the school to develop a plan for meeting my sons academic needs. I will be asking for weekly progress reports.
I will be asking for a review of school policy on supervision on the playground. As there was no teacher present--if this attack had been more brutal, my son could have been seriously harmed and no one was there to protect him. I find this unacceptable. The idea that my son could be seriously harmed at school is just absolutely unfathomable.

MoE has offered to email me a list of the unzoned schools in Chch and I have requested information about TeKura correspondence school. If the current school can not provide for the physical safety of my son, I will be making other arrangements.

I am having major trust issues at the moment due to their previous poor track record of follow through with academics.

[GrumpyGoat]

Thanks to the rational posters for your support. I can be overly emotional and it doesn't help when my family members are not the type to talk me off the ledge.

I emailed with my (step) sister in California and this is what she told me of her similar experiences a few years ago.
"Personally, I sat in a meeting with the principal and Jonny and I instructed Jonny that if he was bullied again that he had my permission to pick up the biggest thing around him and knock the kid upside the head with it. Yes the principal gasped....and I told her that if she couldn't protect him then he would do it himself. She said that was against the rules and I told her to back that up and start with the kid that was picking on Jonny."

I bet you guys couldn't have guessed that I was the least fiery in my family?

[victoria24]

Firstly, I'd address this issue without mentioning the academic concerns at this time so that the point is focussed and offers no "flanking".
Secondly, if it was my son in that position, I would inform him that he has the right to defend himself and if it ever happens again to beat that kid until he feels he is no longer in danger. Controversial I know, but that's the law and that's the consequence.

[fye]

Secondly, if it was my son in that position, I would inform him that he has the right to defend himself and if it ever happens again to beat that kid until he feels he is no longer in danger. Controversial I know, but that's the law and that's the consequence.

I agree with victoria24. Beating the other kid as an act of self-defense should be acceptable, as long as he doesn't go overboard. Plus, the bully needs to be thought a lesson and if it doesn't come from the teachers, who else?

[GrumpyGoat]

Firstly, I'd address this issue without mentioning the academic concerns at this time so that the point is focussed and offers no "flanking".
Secondly, if it was my son in that position, I would inform him that he has the right to defend himself and if it ever happens again to beat that kid until he feels he is no longer in danger. Controversial I know, but that's the law and that's the consequence.

I agree wholeheartedly. And DS has taken tae kwon do previously for just such an occasion.

I asked him why he didn't defend himself and he said "I didn't want to get in trouble or get a referral"

He is such a good kid. sweet-natured, polite and with a real respect for authority.