Cost sharing when family come for a long time

[PECJ]

An appeal to all ex-pats who have family visiting for long periods of time.

We are in a little of a quandary! Both our parents visit us for periods of 1-3 months, which is great that they can (both physically and financially) however, we wondered how other people in the same position approach this thorny issue.
Clearly there are extra costs involved when visitors come to stay, some are obvious, some are not. Heating & power are too difficult to quantify so we don’t bother, and it would probably be wrong to anyway. However, with the rising costs of food, this is more obvious, and “easy” to quantify. What I don’t really want to have to do, is itemise everything and split up the bills, too much effort and a bit “picky”, but we do incur quite a bit of extra cost. It is not as though his parents can't afford it, its just that are tighter than a water-fowl’s back end – even though they fly out business class!!!

Do other people have “arrangements” with their long-staying guests, or should we just shut-up and get over it?

[Duncan74]

Surely this will vary with each set of circumstances. Some 'pensioner parents' are very comfortable financially compared to their children, in other cases then it's the other way. This isn't an emmigration issue, it's a family dynamics question. What I mean is that the same could apply for Xmas time where some families would take it in turns, others would kick some cash into a collective pot regardless of who was actually doing the cooking.

Seems by teh question as if it's going to cause you an issue, so perhaps you could explain the costs involved with teh move have left money tight, and whilst you know they've had their flights to pay for then are they able to contribute a bit to the food.

[Sam B]

I know exactly where you are coming from. We have had these issues ever since we moved to Cornwall, 6 years before we moved to NZ, and they are ongoing. In Cornwall, friends and family saw us as a free B&B service, and now we are here, of course people come to stay for extended periods of time.

Whilst it is always exciting and lovely to see people from back home (friends or family), if they stay for more than a few days, it does get very expensive. You are feeding up to double the amount of people, and you tend to cook slightly more expensive meals overall as you are feeding guests. We are on a water tank, and you can hear the water sploshing down the pipes as they have extended showers in the driest months. Then there are all the trips out to places you wouldn't usually go to, plus we often lend out our second car. It really adds up doesn't it.

With friends we have asked them to take it in turns with us to do the food shop. With family, we have just taken anything they have offered but not asked for any specific contributions. It is a very difficult area to broach, and is probably best done before they arrive I suppose. Good luck, because I have never had the courage.

From the other people's point of view, you have moved across the world, and they have just paid a fortune in air fares, and are now having a holiday.

If you have a run of visitors, it can get exhausting, as you are often at work, whilst they are on holiday. Financially it can be very difficult. I love to be the perfect hostess - but only for 3 days at a time!

[benhila]

From the other people's point of view, you have moved across the world, and they have just paid a fortune in air fares, and are now having a holiday.

Surely if they can afford flying business class they can contribute towards the costs of their stay?

Better clear the air now rather than accumulate 'hard done by' feelings which could, worst case scenario, come between your husband and yourself (the 'culprits' being HIS parents).

[JandM]

We recently spent time staying with our son and his family, and borrowed his car. We paid for alternate lots of shopping, meals out or take-aways at least once a week, a contribution towards the rent, electricity, etc., and bought replacement tyres for the car. I think visitors to the home ought at least to offer all of that, if there's not going to be a chance of a return trip so it will even out quite shortly - it's still cheaper than it would have been if we'd rented a place and hired a car.

I take the point that financial situations vary, and fair enough, someone comfortably off can always refuse. But the visitors would have to feed themselves if they were at home - I can't see any reason why they shouldn't expect to chip in. Just because you've moved to somewhere nice to visit doesn't mean you've contracted to feed and lodge the world and his wife at your expense. You're not a bad person if you say to some requests, 'No, we're going to be busy at work/with X's exams/painting the house just then, but I can tell you a good B&B or holiday rental just up the road'. I think whatever you want to have happen has to be stated up front, if the people themselves don't mention it, and if you will find yourselves short. It keeps the air clear. (Speaking from experience of living in Dorset, and suddenly finding we had more 'best friends' than we knew.)

[victoria24]

chuck the visitors in a tent in the garden with a bucket and a bunsen burner and watch the offers roll in!

[ralf-nz]

Both our parents visit us for periods of 1-3 months

I personally would think that periods of up to three months are not anymore visiting but living together. So I deem it self evident that costs will be shared. How depends on the specific circumstances taken into account arguments made in earlier posts in this thread and the purchasing powers of people with income and expenses in different currencies.

I also second Duncan about family dynamics involved. If/when issues like this cannot be addressed I doubt it will make a pleasant living together for such a lengthy time. And I would also assume that there might be something missing in the relationship(s).

(I might have misread and misunderstood your situation; however the above are my personal associations based on experiences of friends.)

[Georgebulldog]

I would take the cowardly route & send an email, probably lie a bit about finances & price of food & hope it did the trick
We are lucky that in laws who come over for 6 weeks at a time, 3rd time this coming Jan, do take OH shopping to get a food shop in & will pay for take aways & wine/beer, they also bring over whole new wardrobes for the girls so I don't have any problems, lucky because I wouldn't know where to start & would just moan behind their back because I'd be too scared to say anything

[MrsB]

I can sooo totally understand and relate to what you are saying. Both sets of parents came to visit us in 2010 for between 6-8wks each. They also visited one after the other so basically from New Years Eve to the end of April we had another 2 adults in the house.

Despite both sets of parents paying for a full tank of petrol, a full supermarket shop, the odd takeaway and meal out now & then we still found it an expensive time for us. Mainly as Sam said we ended up eating better (& drinking more) and going out to places we wouldn't normally have done. Not to mention the week spent in Nelson and then the week spent in Russell! My OH was also somewhat annoyed that my Dad kept drinking all his homebrew!

If you are not in a situation where visitors are going to offer then I think you need to state in simple, unemotional terms what your expectations are up front, especially if they are visiting for months at a time. Think carefully though about sending emails as sometimes what you are trying to say doesn't come across in the right way and they could end up being offended. I guess it all depends on what type of relationship you have with them as to how you broach the subject but broach it I think you must.

Good luck!
Anneliese

[sophiedb]

We stayed with MiL and her partner for 3 months on arrival, and bless 'em they're fabulous but I think that was long enough for all of us My parents will visit for 2-3 months at the end of this year *eek*

At MiL's, we paid for each alternate week's food shop and a bought a little extra, filled their car if we borrowed it, did laundry and cleaning as needed, hubby did some DIY-fixit etc. I hope that my parents will mostly do the same (as well as, um, occasionally go someplace else for a couple of weeks..).

I know flights are expensive, but at the same time if they'd flown anywhere else they would have had to pay for accommodation as well as food, let alone transport, and even when the NZD is strong, the exchange rate ain't bad.. (for holidaymakers anyway).