Dealing with Family

[kiwihusker]

So, I told my mom today that we are making the move to NZ at the end of August. She has known this was a possibility for the past 10 years given my husband is a Kiwi. But she said things like "I will only see you and the boys maybe 1-2 more times before I die". She is 75 and in excellent health mind you. I love my mom so much, but man the guilt trip she laid on me made me feel about two inches tall. I know I need to give her time, she has to accept it, but she doesn't have to like it. I just wonder if anyone else is dealing with tough family acceptance.
let me know.
thx
Brigid

[JandM]

Oh, you poor thing. ((())) This has happened to lots of other people.

Does your mother know how to use a computer for webcam conversations, etc.? If not, you can make sure she learns and is set up with all the necessary before you go. I know you can't hug via the internet, but it certainly helps to see and talk to each other.

This conversation must have been horrible for you, but remember, she can't help hurting. She loves you, and she knows how she's going to miss you. She's let some of that out in the worst way, but she's human, not perfect. Keep telling her you love her and nothing will change that, and you'll talk often. Her feelings are hers to deal with, of course, but however much she's expected this news, actually hearing it for definite will have been a blow, and it will take time to get over that.

All the best.

[kiwihusker]

Thanks J&M, I appreciate your words of wisdom. I know she is hurt and bewildered. She will need time. And luckily she has used Skype before, not recently, but yes she can do it again. And it really is a wonderful tool for us to use. I know it isn't the same thing as a hug, but I live in CA and she lives in Nebraska. It isn't like she isn't used to me living away. But i know it is the daunting realization that it is NZ. Thanks and I will be patient with her.

[newarrival]

I know how you're feeling- my mum said something very similar when we decided to move (from Germany, and without any previous connection). She sais pretty much the same- and I took 4 of her 5 grandchildren away from her!
But she has been out twice, she is now 86 and would be fit to come again if it wasn't for an operation she had last year which didn't go quite as planned and she is not as fit as she used to be physically now. I visited her the the last two years and will go again this year. She misses the children, but I have to say that my parents (my dad died before we even thought of emigrating) had lots of great times with the grandchildren and were always part of their life when they were little.

All the best, I am sure your mum will come round and realise that it is not the end of everything!

[Delta_Cephei]

My mother-in-law is also finding it very difficult: although we have been sowing seeds for this over past 10 years.

We did buy her an iPad- FaceTime is very simple and she can see that contacting will not be as difficult as she had envisaged.

[jawnbc]

I've been through this twice and am about to go through it again. 1989: New York to Vancouver. 2003: Vancouver to Australia. 2012: Vancouver to New Zealand (having moved back to Vancouver in 2005). In 2003 my Mom was chronically ill and confined to home and I was going for 8 months...except I fell in love and got engaged. Still saw them as often as I did from Vancouver--once a year or more--but was very difficult for them. No one else lived more than 2 hours away by car.

In the end Mom said "I used to think you were selfish; you were just smart. You need to have adventures while you can--life is too short." This from someone who became disabled within months of retiring and spent the last decade of her life just trying to draw one more decent breath (COPD).

You need to life your life for you. You need to find ways to make the best of your choices. When we mooted moving to NZ my condition was to be back to Vancouver and New York at least every 18 months. We will make that happen, even if that means budgeting very tightly. It's all about priorities.

Skype is awesome. My parents have been unwilling to use it (well Dad: Mom died a couple of years ago). Bloody luddites

[nzbadgers]

Another suggestion is set her up with a Facebook account before you go. We did this for my husband's Mum and we post photos, videos and allsorts on there. She really loves it. I know it's not the same but it does make it a bit easier to bear. We were lucky in that we came out here with both our family's blessing. On one wanted us to go but they realised that we had to live out lives and do what made us happy.

[kiwihusker]

Thank you all for your kind words and wonderful suggestions. I love this forum!!!!

[Kensington]

In the end Mom said "I used to think you were selfish; you were just smart. You need to have adventures while you can--life is too short." This from someone who became disabled within months of retiring and spent the last decade of her life just trying to draw one more decent breath (COPD).

You need to life your life for you. You need to find ways to make the best of your choices. When we mooted moving to NZ my condition was to be back to Vancouver and New York at least every 18 months. We will make that happen, even if that means budgeting very tightly. It's all about priorities.

Your Mom sounds like she was a smart cookie - so lovely that she "got it" finally after all those moves. We have been in NZ just 3 weeks and have Skyped my parents a couple of times a week which has been great. Their only grandchild is here with us, so it is important that they get to see her often - and vice versa - to continue the loving relationship they formed in the first 13 mths of her life. We also hope to visit "home" at least every 18mth-2 years.

Good luck with the next adventure, traveller!

[jawnbc]

Thanks!

We live in amazing world--Skype, cheap international calling (when I was a child it was about $25 for 3 minutes to call family in Ireland), somewhat affordable long-haul flights.

My father-in-law can afford to fly anywhere in the world in first class; never occurred to him to visit his granddaughters in NZ, nor to pay to bring them to see him. Sad, really.