How to deal with parents getting sick overseas?

[Hagabel]

So, we have been here a year and loving it! Just bought and moved into our first house and feel like we are putting some roots down.
We are originally from the UK and all family there but been living in US for 20 yrs before emmigrating here.
My Dad has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and put on meds. He will not fly anymore and younger son,5 has not met him. I am planning a trip back to the UK with just 5 yr old (partially cost and ease of 1 child only!) early next year so they can meet each other, and my Mum is coming for a visit in November for 1 month.

How do you deal with things like this? I feel guilty that my my parents and my sister have to deal with this day to day but not much I can do from here.

Thanks.

[benandclare]

It's a tough one, my Mum is 94 and has had to go into a home this year, luckily have two brothers back in UK to sort it out.

[JandM]

Whatever happens when you are away from loved ones who are having a tough time is difficult. I've had this the other way round, when my son hurt himself in an accident while in NZ, and I was in the UK and could do nothing directly. Even knowing he had his wife and in-laws and friends nearby, I felt an instinctive pull towards him.

But as with all of us, he's got his life and family, I've got my life and family - nobody can simply abandon all their day-to-day connections and responsibilities. In your case, you KNOW there are other people at hand watching out for your parents, and that's good. Keep in touch and let them know you love them, even if it's not what you'd say quite as often if you were just down the road.

You may remember, I've got a very frail mother in her 90s, and I'm her only child. I live half an hour away from her, and see her and talk to her often. Sometimes, she says to me, 'What would I do without you?' And I remind her and reassure her, 'Well, actually, any time I can't come, there ARE other people who help you - the carers who come night and morning, and the man who delivers lunch, and the people on call with your emergency pendant.' That's true. There is other help, and they're kind and lovely people. In our case, I've taken on the quasi-parenting role, but however much I do, the end of her life is not easy, and I can't do it for her, even if I were alongside 24 hours a day. I am saddened by the difficulties she has, but there's nothing can alter the situation. And I can't be there non-stop - I've got a life, and other people depending on me, too.

I don't think there are easy answers to anything like this. We can't lift all the darkness off someone else, whatever we do.

[jawnbc]

When I moved to Australia my Mum was already in late stage emphysema. Saying goodbye was horrible as it felt like GOODBYE forever. At one point she became hospitalized and I was told to get home in the hope she'd hang on long enough to see one another. Worst 36 hours of my life; I ended up staying a month to help Dad and we got her home. She lived another 5 years, in fact! But when I got back to Australia I told my husband "I can't go through that again" and we moved our timetable up to return to Canada by a year. Gave up good jobs, nice flat, everything. That was the right answer...for me and us at the time.

Two years on and I'm moving to New Zealand. Dad isn't thrilled, but I have to live my life. AND I accept I might have another one of those 36 hour nightmares, even if he's relatively healthy and in his 70s. I get home once a year to see them from Vancouver; I hope to make it every 12-18 months from Auckland.

In my family NO ONE moves away further than a couple hour drive. So I've long been the "selfish" one. Except later on Mom acknowledged "you were the smart one: have your adventures, live life to its fullest." Not that my siblings don't have good lives, of course.

[Ana&Steve]

3 weeks after we moved here, Steve's parents told us his mom has cancer. We suspect they knew something before we left but didn't say; his family has been very supportive of our move and I think they didn't want to burden us. So, Steve was a mess, but we carried on; he calls his parents and sibs often and fortunately, she is responding well to treatments and the Drs are very optimistic. We don't know what we would have done had it been otherwise; I think like everything in our lives lately, we will make/alter plans as we learn more.

[dede]

Been through it with both my parents and in-laws living in the States but having been brought up in Scotland. We went back with our 4 week old after finding out that MIL had cancer. That was tough but she got to hold her grandson in her arms before she passed. And when others got sick, it was par for the course to get on that plane to Scotland. My sister would come over from NZ for a few weeks at a time when she could but I know she felt guilty. It's true for all emigrants with living parents that this is something you have to deal with - and the thought of it surely puts a lot of people off emigrating. So we are now on the other side of it. Even if we settle in NZ, it's very unlikely that the kids will all settle there. And that's a good thing. I want them to seethe world and make use of their US/UK citizenship and NZ residency/Citizenship? Skype and Facebook or their equivalent will be infinitely better then, anyway. I guess it's a Scottish thing. We were expected to go to London or emigrate. It's what we do. For all those going through this, my heart does go out to you. I would say a lot of the admin work (like getting power of attorney) can be done online or with email. Try not to stress too much and remember that your parents wanted this for you, as I will one day for my kids.

[RHT]

I often torture myself with 'what ifs' and thinking of possible scenarios where my Mum needs me and I can't get to her quick enough (she's in the UK) The only thing that helps is knowing I have a brother and sister back home who are more than able, willing and capable of dealing with things, and the knowledge that my Mum would be horrified if she thought she was a source of worry to me. We used to live within 5 minutes of each other, and see each other most days, she and I were the closest out of all 3 of her children and I know she feels the loss of me and my 3 children keenly, what's a credit to her, and the reason I love her so much, is that she's never vocalised how devastated she's been by our move. The only time I've seen her fight an urge to tell us not to go was the morning the children and I left her house at 4am to catch our flight out here. I still can't think about that morning without crying and I don't think the physical pain of being so far from her will ever ease. The only thing that helps is looking at my own children and knowing, 100%, that we've done the right thing for them. It's a toughie, it's certainly the hardest part of this whole process for me, knowing that we've caused people we love heartache by moving us and 3, very much loved and adored, children so far away.

[Kensington]

We used to live within 5 minutes of each other, and see each other most days, she and I were the closest out of all 3 of her children and I know she feels the loss of me and my 3 children keenly, what's a credit to her, and the reason I love her so much, is that she's never vocalised how devastated she's been by our move. The only time I've seen her fight an urge to tell us not to go was the morning the children and I left her house at 4am to catch our flight out here. I still can't think about that morning without crying and I don't think the physical pain of being so far from her will ever ease. The only thing that helps is looking at my own children and knowing, 100%, that we've done the right thing for them. It's a toughie, it's certainly the hardest part of this whole process for me, knowing that we've caused people we love heartache by moving us and 3, very much loved and adored, children so far away.

Gosh, this sounds a lot like me. Just reading this paragraph has put a lump in my throat and teary eyes...

I grew up overseas and so my parents understood exactly our reasons for the big move to NZ. Not that it made it any easier for them that we left - taking their only grandchild with us. I cannot tell you how much guilt I have about that, especially as she is still a toddler and won't have any memories of the first year of her life spent with them. But, as previous people have said, we all have to live our lives.

[kiwihusker]

Jawnbc, I couldn't have put this into words better. I am the "selfish" one in my family as I am the only one that lives away from home. All my siblings live in Nebraska, and we currently live in CA and on our way to NZ. I am being told by my mom things like I can't wait till your boys tell you they are moving to "blank" from NZ one day. You will know how this feels. I guess I can't make everyone happy. I just hope we are making the right decision.

In my family NO ONE moves away further than a couple hour drive. So I've long been the "selfish" one. Except later on Mom acknowledged "you were the smart one: have your adventures, live life to its fullest." Not that my siblings don't have good lives, of course.

[Lauralocks]

Its often so hard to know what the best thing to do is, and often both staying or going can be painful and cause problems.

My husband is from NZ and his Mum is still there, and quite elderly, whereas my parents are here in the UK and while they're still fairly young my grandma is definately not. Whether we stay in the UK or move to NZ one of us is going to be at the other side of the world to their parents/elderly family. I have a brother and sister here in the UK with no plans to go anywhere, but my husband is an only child. His mother is well enough but definately elderly, and her last remaining sibling died recently so there aren't many people left. It makes sense for us to be closer to his Mum. But on the other hand he's been here 13 years and isn't that close to her emotionally as he's never really got on with her husband (his father died when he was a teenager), whereas I'm much closer to my family and when we have children it's going to break my Mum's heart that they are at the other side of the world.

Its really hard either way, but we know that for us, and for our future family, New Zealand is definately the best option - better quality of life, good career opportunities (for me anyway), etc. So this is the right decision, and we have accept that the right decision can also be hard and can create difficult times, but that what life is about in a way.