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Thread: Having seconds thoughts!!!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
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    North Canterbury
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    Unhappy Having seconds thoughts!!!

    Hi all,

    So hubby left just under 2 weeks ago on his temp work visa so he could get started with his new job. Me and the children are waiting for PR to come through and sorting out house etc. First few days were horrible when he left but I have been overwhelmed by support from family and friends. I have now started to wonder what on earth we are doing. I am not the sort of person who can ask for help and will usually just get on with everything but some of our friends have been amazing and really made me doubt our decision. I haven't/cant tell hubby how I feel. Its taken us years to make the decision and then save for our recce trip and money to move etc. My head is a mess and I feel like I cant tell anyone how I feel.
    Hoping it is just nerves but really afraid of having no one and feeling alone so far away.
    Has anyone else felt like this? Any advice would be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    36,064

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    Poor you - feeling like this is entirely normal. And you've got a tough job, in your known environment to take it to pieces. And the nicer people are, the worse it is, because you appreciate them all the better, and of course, you don't yet know the equally nice people who live where you're going. (Yes, they'll be there - people get what they give, and if you've earnt lovely friends in one place, you'll do it wherever you go.)

    Part of what you're feeling is fear of the unknown. One way of dealing with that is to keep your mind living firmly in THE PRESENT. 'Right now, I'm perfectly all right.' Don't allow yourself to range off into things that might (or might NOT) be, in any other time but now. Whatever happens, you'll deal with it IN ITS TIME.

    I expect you're also missing your husband. Try and separate off the depression of missing him, and the help he would normally be in your shared life, from anything to do with the move. Yes, the move is hard work, but it's what you've been working for together. It's not to blame for his absence. If you keep with the plan, one step at a time, that's the way to be back with him.

    I think everybody cries. Of course there will be tears, and of course you will ache. But this does not stop you from taking charge of your feelings. Feelings do not have to be the most important thing in any situation (otherwise we'd all be pulled all over the place all the time). It's possible to acknowledge, 'Yes, that hurts. Poor old me. Now, what do I need to do/decide/think about next?'

    Hang in there. You can make it. ((()))

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    North Canterbury
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    Aww, thank you for your lovely reply, made me smile again. I guess like you say its the unknown and all the stress of getting everything sorted here. I don't want to mention anything to the hubby as it has been tough for him too starting again all by himself. I have just spoken to him on Skype and he reassured me that we will be ok. The company he is working for seem lovely and are trying to include him in some activities outside of work. So fingers crossed we will be ok.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    San Francisco to Auckland
    Posts
    626

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    I recall moving here almost a year ago and having those same thoughts. All of our wonderful, amazing friends just helped out every step of the way. We couldn't believe it and we questioned our decision too. And like J&M said, we have been amazed at how many wonderful people we have met here now too. We have had something to do almost every weekend for the past 10 months plus. So, we really hit the ground and tried to get involved, I joined the PTA and our boys play soccer and swim. It has been really a wonderful move overall. We really love NZ and the outdoorsy lifestyle. We used to live in California and you would think we were outdoorsy there, but no where compared to what we are here that is for sure. Hang in there. And don't beat yourself up...you can have a pity party if you need one. Best of luck to you.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
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    UK - France - Wellington
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    I hope you're feeling better about your decision, especially now you know your husband's getting on ok. As JandM said, being apart from him and missing your life together as a couple is probably part of what you're feeling.
    I think you've both been very brave to do that, we've decided it'd be too hard for each of us alone and we're working on the idea of us going together, so kudos to you both.

    I think there's something about leaving a place that gives you heightened emotions..and if you're leaving a nice place to go to an unknown place doubly so! It's beautiful here at the moment, but we've a list of reasons why we're making the move and not staying here so we "know" we're doing the right thing for us, for the moment! And as you say, you've planned and saved for this move so you know you've thought it through as a couple.

    This will be the second time I'll have given up a good job with lovely colleagues to head to the unknown, but it worked here in France so I'm confident it'll work out in NZ, fingers crossed! As the other's have said there are nice folk in NZ too!
    It won't stop me crying when the time comes though!

  6. #6
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    May 2012
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    Totally normal, especially when the family's split. He will probably have the same doubts from time to time. Just take turns being the "strong" one and keep on course for completing the transition. Once you're reunited expect more bumps along the route.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
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    Hants, UK - Stanmore Bay, NZ
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    Sorry, late replying, but yes, as everyone else has said, all totally normal We did the same thing - hubby came to NZ last Feb (2012) and I stayed in England with our 2 sons to sell the house and organise the shipping of all our worldly goods. I had great support from friends and my MIL, and my parents came over from N Ireland for a few weeks to help out too. The time went a lot more quickly than I could have imagined but with one thing and another, it was six months before we joined hubby in NZ. I too had days where I began to doubt the whole move, that's only normal. I met up with someone from this forum who lived just a few miles away from us in the UK, and they calmed me down more than once. In the end, I couldn't wait to get here and I don't regret it for one minute. Yes, I miss my old friends and my family, but I've made a lot of new friends here. It will be fine, you will be fine, and in due course, you won't remember the panic Do feel free to PM me with any questions - I've been through it and have come out the other side virtually unscathed

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    North Canterbury
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    Wow, thank you everyone for your kind words. Makes me feel a lot better to know that I am not the only one to have these feelings. I feel more positive at the moment but seem to have good days and bad days. I am sure deep down though we are doing the right thing and hopefully in a years time I can look back and laugh at this thread. haha.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Wellington, New Zealand
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    555

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    You are almost certainly very tired as well. Tiredness makes all of us overly emotional.

  10. #10
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    Jan 2013
    Location
    West Yorkshire
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    It's a weird experience for sure and what you're feeling is entirely understandable. From my point of view, it was quite an enlightening experience as I left a job of 11 years to come to NZ. I had worked with the same team of poeple for those 11 years and we got on OK. When they learned I was leaving, suddenly my colleagues turned into some of the best friends I've ever had - everyine was really supprotive and we keep in touch be email and Facebook.
    Don't doubt what you're doing, give it a go and keep an open mind. New Zealand is different to what I expected it to be but it's 99% BETTER different ! Good luck !

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