One year in and feeling very home sick :-(

[janeyo]

Hi everyone

My hubby moved out here 18 months ago and the children and I joined him in December 2013. Initially we settled in well. Boys started school the following February and then I found a part time job a few weeks later. My eldest son (now 11yr) then became very unhappy at school. He was being bullied by a boy in his class and struggled to make new friends. After constantly speaking with his teacher and principal and getting no where we decided to move him to a new school. Youngest son (now 9yr) however was just the opposite and didn't want to move so we now have them in 2 separate schools. I didn't think it would bother me but it is a pain. Different teacher training days, parent/teacher conferences sometime clash, that sort of thing really. Anyway after my training finished in my job I also really struggled to settle. It was call centre work and I just hated the targets and they constantly seemed to pick at me for not saying 'the correct lines'. It made me so unhappy that in June I quit. I registered with an agency and they have been finding me part time work but its been very on and off. In August I found out I was pregnant. We were told 6 years ago we couldn't have anymore children as hubby had problems. We were even referred for IVF back in the UK but decided not to go through with it as it sounded too hard and we do already have 2 boys. So it was a bit of a surprise to find out this had happened. (Happy about it though) I have been quite poorly with the pregnancy and spent December in and out of hospital. It really hit me hard having no family here to support us. Over Christmas I just broke down. I really miss my parents, sister and close friends. I have made some lovely friends here but just not the same as having my mum here. My hubby spoke to my mum about it and arranged for her to come over and surprise me. She arrived beginning of January and stayed for 3 weeks. We had the best time and it was amazing for her to see where we live etc. She went home at the beginning of the week and I am just a wreck. I have cried for pretty much most of the week and just cant seem to pick myself back up. I love living here and know deep down it is a better life for our boys but I just feel so lonely being away from my family. Feel completely torn as my hubby is just the opposite. He loves living here and has really settled. He misses his family but nothing like I do and he cant stand the thought of returning to the UK.
Has anyone else felt like this? I know I probably have my hormones playing me up too but just really struggling with everything. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier but will it after a year already in? I would have thought by now I would be starting to feel better.
I would really appreciate any advise anyone has or if anyone else has felt the same?

[dharder]

So sorry to hear you feel so low! And congratulations on your pregnancy 

I never wanted to come here, so expected to struggle, which I did/do. About a year in was when I was at my absolute lowest, I think that has to do with the excitement/hard work of moving and finding your way being over and it being about the time when you actually have the time to think about what you’re doing.

Would you be able to break down precisely what it is that makes you unhappy? And then for each point have a plan of action as to how to address it? For example ‘no family support = coffee group, regular babysitter, playgroup’, that kind of thing? Write it all down. And if you don’t feel you can cope on your own, there’s no shame in asking for professional help to support you through this.

And if it really doesn’t work, and the points you wrote down have no remedies, then going back could always be an option. Even if it is just to help you over the initial new baby time.

Good luck!

[JandM]

Missing people never actually quite goes away, and I'm speaking as the parent left behind by a migrating adult child. You DO get used to living with it - you sort of grow round the hurt and take it on with you as a feature of 'you', in just the same way as for a bereavement. Of course it's wonderful when you have a visit one way or the other, but unfortunately, immediately afterwards it feels WORSE, for the contrast with having had the usual niggling 'miss you' removed for a time, and this is what's happening to you right now, probably increased by your hormones, as you say. But it's going to ease off again. Be nice to yourself, to the 'poor me' inside, but also explain to her that there ARE good things going on where you are, and you've got your husband and your boys and friends, and they need to be looked at and valued and given some access to your heart, too. Every day, MAKE yourself make some good memories, and count them over often, even if you have to wipe away the tears while doing it, then you'll have some nice things to say to your Mum next time you talk to her. I find the internal talking-to goes, 'Yes I know I'm feeling rotten, but even so I can do this,' 'Yes, I'm getting on with (whatever) and I can manage to be nice to (whoever) while I'm doing it, and they don't need to know I've got a hurt inside.' With some people, you can even say out loud, 'I'm feeling miserable, but I'm looking for something to get stuck into to help me feel better, so let's (whatever).' This is all tough to do in the beginning, but it can be a really helpful mental habit. Hang in there. ((()))

[kiwieagle]

I am so picking up what you're putting down!

I've been here 3 1/2 years and I still really miss my family and friends. That first year milestone was hard for me too. I finally settled in, finances were back on track, life was good, my mom came for a visit and when she left I felt so sad. The heartache almost felt worse because it still persisted even after life was on track. I felt disappointed in myself. I questioned everything around me, why am I doing this? Is it worth it? It was finally nothing to do with NZ but everything to do with missing the people who knew me before I was middle aged, before I was a mum, before I was the person I am now. I do like living here, I do have lovely friendships, I am living the life I imagined and yet, I still ache for my friends and family. I know you're thinking you should be past that now that you've been here a year, but should you?

Even now, I have such great friends. These are people who I know are lifelong friends, deep relationships, and yet, at 3 years, they're all still new. Making new friends in the middle of life means, I think, that they develop at a slower pace. Getting a support network is important. The community I live in is amazing and when my husband has to go away every now and again for work, I've even felt the generosity of acquaintances. In the US, even with all of my friends spread all around the nation, with my family nearby, I dreaded when my husband had to go away. Now, although I miss him, I don't dread it because I feel supported by the community in a big way. Even with that, my heart aches for the specific people, the unique individuals that I miss.

I guess I say all this to tell you that what you're feeling is not unusual. You are not alone. And, for some of us, it never stops hurting. I went to the US in July and was quickly reminded of all of the reasons I didn't like it there. When we returned and were flying in that little aeroplane on the final leg, after we crossed the North Island and made the descent into the South, crossing the Marlborough Sounds, the kids looked out the windows and shouted out all the places they could recognise in Tasman Bay as we got closer and I happily realised I was truly coming home. And yet, the ache for my family remains. My 8 year old son was busting and I sent him ahead into the terminal, telling him to hurry in front and we'd meet him in there, something I'd never be able to do where I had just come from. I know that the life we live is awesome, what we want, and yet, the ache still remains. I was happy to be home but still felt that little flash of pain in my heart from seeing the spot where 2 years earlier, my children and I stood in the pouring rain, clinging to each other whilst sobbing, as my sister boarded a plane and flew away at the end of her visit.

I agree with those above who say having a support system helps with the logistical worries and just allowing yourself to carry on even though your heart aches are helpful strategies. But personally, the heart still does ache even though all else is peachy. How can it not when you miss people you thoroughly love?

I know you said your husband doesn't want to go back to the UK but if you find that, after the hormones return to normal, you increasingly want to be closer, what about a compromise move to a different part of the world that isn't so far from the UK, that isn't so expensive to travel to, that might allow you to see your family more often? Perhaps you could just keep that in the back of your mind, as a little piece of potential hope, not something you have to plan for now, but something you might be able to use if you need it in the future.

You are not alone. It is not wrong for you to be feeling this way after any amount of time. While hormones probably don't help, you don't have to blame them! You are normal. You love specific people and it hurts to be apart from them. Like JandM said, it's a kind of bereavement. However, it's a hopeful bereavement because those people still exist, you can still call, skype, and visit. It's okay that it doesn't feel less sad as time moves on but you might learn how to cope with it easier. And if you can't, you'll cross that bridge when you come to it. It will be okay no matter what you decide.

[Mamee & Co]

I don't think missing people ever really goes away...and with the "hormone" spikes of pregnancy it will be hard. I can only imagine how shocked and delighted you must have been to discover about your impending new arrival as an IVF mum.

I work full time and found that in the first couple of years I did not really know many people..but that is improving now, slowly but surely. What I would say is that the best time I moved, and I have done it a couple of times, was when my sons were just under one. There are so many groups for babies and toddlers, where you meet other mums....and they are normally delighted if you invite them for a cuppa or a play date!

PM me..and we can see if we can meet up...my sons are 13 so a little older, and I am across the other side of town, but happy to try and meet one weekend. The joys of full time work!!!! It truly wrecks the social life.

[Fern49]

Using Skype is a lifeline for many people being able to contact their loved ones on a daily/weekly basis.

[janeyo]

Thank you everyone for your kind works. I am trying to remain positive and remember why we came here. Maybe putting it all down on paper will help. We do have regular chats on facetime and Skype with the family, which does help a little.

Will also PM you Mamee & Co

[jawnbc]

Your feelings are totally normal. There's nothing wrong with you, nor is there probably anything you've done that's made it unnecessarily harder.

The timing is different for different people, but in any migration story--even when you choose to migrate, rather than having to leave a bad situation--there are times when it's just hard. Moments when your heart/mind fixates on something you can't have here, but could have there. A food, a hug from someone in particular, a place. There's a reason why cultures with persistent tropes of migration (like the Irish) have canons of laments about the migrant experience. Migrating is hard. Even when it goes well.

You've had challenges too--and nothing will colour a person's spirits as much as being unwell. So perhaps you can (continue to) self nurture yourself: the difficulties of your pregnancy are quite possibly magnifying things even more. You might not be able to just automatically feel differently, but you might be able to find some breathing room in knowing this.

I've been here now 2.5 years, and while it's gone, more or less, very well for us, lately I have been missing Canada and Vancouver. I know from experience it'll get better again in a few weeks. Not some of the things that are currently driving me mental--but the extent to which they drive me mental will be diminished. I'm guessing about 25-50% of my current mood is just mood: a month ago these same things didn't bug me at all.

Strangely, unlike others I don't talk to my husband about this: (other) men seem to need to jump into "problem solving" mode when really I needed a moan, a coffee, and some sunshine. And perhaps a sleeping pill.

[breeze]

... And perhaps a sleeping pill.

I agree. Sleep is the single best thing I'd do when I feel homesick. Truth is, I feel homesick most when I'm tired and grumpy. The more I dwell in it, the more homesick I get and I'd end up crying alone. (C'mon, how many times can one cry to the spouse for feeling homesick right?) I often feel great after a 2-hour nap. There are also other things to keep busy with to really establish a new life here. My pets (1 dog and 11 chickens) are a good example

[darzren]

11 chickens? wow!