Meeting Stay at home mums

[Nathalie2016]

We are an American family that just relocated to Auckland. I was wondering if there are many stay at home mums in New Zealand. Kids started school and despite my efforts to introduce myself, everyone seemed not interested in engaging much in knowing the new families. Our last postings was Shanghai and the families at the international schools there were very friendly. I'm afraid I'm won't be able to engage in friendships with families from school.

[JandM]

You may be expecting things to develop more quickly than is usual for NZ. The school families may turn out to be perfectly friendly, but you have to give it time. Are you comparing things with what happened round an international school, where most were probably not in their own country, banding together to form a society of their own in a foreign country, with a school where most pupils are NZ nationals? If that's right, the mothers haven't the same pressure to make close friends with newcomers - they may already have known one another for years. However, if you volunteer for any activities with which the school needs help, you will more quickly become a familiar face, and therefore somebody to include in plans. Doing it that way, company sort of *happens*, though feeling cosy and part of the crowd will take longer. NZ ways aren't the same as US ways, and you can't hurry it.

I suggest looking around for some interest groups. Take any activity you enjoy, and Google that for your area, for instance 'tai chi Henderson Auckland' brings up https://www.google.co.uk/#q=tai+chi+Henderson+Auckland. Or go to the local library, that will have a list of activities in the neighbourhood. And watch for posters in small shops or on community boards or lamp posts. If you go where you can enjoy the activity, you are more likely to connect with people who are on your wavelength, instead of going into an environment where you're not specifically doing anything beyond saying, 'I want people to ask me to be friends.'

[Oregonkiwi]

Good advice (as always) from JandM.
What part of Auckland are you in? How old are your kids? Teachers of younger children are often happy to have a parent helper in class, which will help you to get to know the kids in the class, which makes it easier to arrange playdates and get to know your kids' new friends' parents. Waiting around while kids do afterschool or weekend activities (like swimming lessons etc) also gives you a chance to chat to other parents.

[Nathalie2016]

Thanks for your reply. Actually the schools is quite international. Only in my son's class there are 17th different nationalities. I've signed up for the PTA and a volley group as well. I've never expected people to "ask to be my friends", but it shocked me that everyone seemed very cold and I figured must be because most mums work and are too busy to be bothered to even make small conversation.

[kiwieagle]

I know what you mean because I went through this as well and there are a heap of stay at home mums in my children's school.

You've done the right thing joining groups. Invite kids round for play dates and always invite parents in for a hot drink at pick up. NZers are much less open than Americans which can come across as cold when you don't know the little social cues. I swear the first year living here I felt like I was constantly auditioning for a role as anyone's friend.

Feel free to PM me if you need an American mum to vent your feelings to! I've been there and I know how it feels.

[JandM]

NZers are much less open than Americans which can come across as cold when you don't know the little social cues.

That's just what I meant above when I said, "NZ ways aren't the same as US ways, and you can't hurry it." What is normal and comfortably open to Americans can feel surprising, and almost too much, to NZers. Although the language is (almost) the same, New Zealand IS a foreign country, with different behaviour to learn.

[kiwieagle]

That's just what I meant above when I said, "NZ ways aren't the same as US ways, and you can't hurry it." What is normal and comfortably open to Americans can feel surprising, and almost too much, to NZers. Although the language is (almost) the same, New Zealand IS a foreign country, with different behaviour to learn.

I heartily agree. I came here married to a Kiwi, had a big ex pat Kiwi community in the US, had visited NZ and my husband's big family many times and still had to learn the "Kiwi way".

There are a few things that Americans do that can unwittingly put Kiwis off. In addition, Kiwis can be a bit wary of and judgemental towards Americans. Once you get past that, we're actually not that different culturally.